Mishap on the High Seas
by CaitlinNeko
Summary: Alfons finds himself in a rum barrel full of trouble after trying to 'play hero' in a small port town...EdHei, mainly.


**Disclaimer:** Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine. The lyrics to songs used, unless otherwise specified, are not mine…I don't really own much, anyhow. Disclaimer applies to all chapters.

_Note:_ This was written for Jennifer Darknight (written, like, months ago, but whatever). She also came up with the title because I'm a silly, incompetent girl :3  
This is AU-ish crack type stuff…main pairings are EdHei and RoyAl, others may or may not come, depending on request, I suppose. Hughes/Ed is also quite likely to later appear, but we'll see?

…This was also written listening to the same five pirate songs on repeat...for multiple hours. Most of that time I wasn't even writing…

†

Alfons Heiderich breathed a sigh of relief as he lowered himself into a chair in the pub, so extremely _glad_ to be finally getting a chance to rest his aching feet.

He had been travelling for a week or two, with scarcely any human contact, now, and he had run out of food a couple of days previous, and so he was rather excited to find that the small town near the ocean.

He breathed in the scent of the salt water that wafted in through the open window near his seat. He toyed a little with the edges of the brown sleeves of his jacket, which hung over matching pants, and a plain, white shirt. He flashed a charming smile to the young woman who came up to his table, taking his order (she looked almost confused when he ordered some milk and a large meal) and registering him for a room in the inn upstairs.

He sat, contentedly eating the food – ravenously, really – and down the milking, getting his fill of energy. After eating, he looked up and out the window, across the blue expanse of the ocean, where you could sea the waters dotted with the occasional ship, sailing past or into a port. The port cities and towns were always the most prosperous, these days, and so there was almost always a bright air around such places. Modern technologies blooming had begun to threaten the sea traveling method, but for the moment there was no reason to trust the few trains that had begun to spring up (I mean sure, it allowed _inland_ travel a bit better than a boat…) and many preferred the open waters to get around the shores of Amestris, although it usually meant lots of walking to get to any places in the middle of the country.

Alfons, himself, lived quite a ways into the country, far from any rivers or other bodies of water (the town itself relied on an underground spring for water supply, and imports for fish). The only reason was out this far east was because his parents had recently died, and since his brother had run off to East City a few years previous…he had hoped to find his older brother, so that he had a family member to stay with (and to inform him of the death of their parents, too. No one had a mailing address, or anything…).

But, no thanks to Alfons' _amazing_ sense of direction…he seemed to have overshot East City…from what some of the locals had said he was quite a ways south from it. One even said something about him being closer to _South_ City than the one he was looking for…

He shook the thought off and sighed. He could head north-northeast to try and find his brother _later_. Right now he'd rather get some rest…

Just as he had paid the waitress whom had served him, and she had begun to tell him his room number, handing him a key, her gaze travelled to the open window, her voice trailing away…"Oh no…" she said, instead.

Alfons followed her gaze out the window, to where you could clearly see the harbour, to see nothing more than a ship, with its black sails floating in the breeze, pulling up to the dock, some men already jumping off, right into the water. He quirked an eyebrow, completely unsure of what to think of such a sight, considering he had lived inland all his life, up until just recently. He did, however, wonder whom their right mind would jump straight into the ocean, like that…

The woman, still with Alfons' room key, moved away, presumably to talk to the manager, or something to the general effect of such. Alfons sighed, and looked up the window, wondering what the commotion might be about…shaking his head, he noticed that a great number of the men were heading straight for the pub…

Alfons wrinkled his nose as a particularly foul scent reached his nose, as a good couple dozen men barged right into the building, straight up to the counter (each sloppy man demanding something to drink, no less). Did they not understand the concept of _bathing_? Apparently not, since he could now see a number of them were smeared with grease and grime.

Even as he saw all of the filthy men striving to get drunk quickly, he noticed one man standing off to the side, simply sipping on his glass – he hadn't been there, before, he definitively came in with the others…and yet the man carried a certain dignity about him. He was _clean_ for a start, and wore a sleek, blue suit (in comparison to the stained and ragged clothes of the others), and his short black hair was neatly cut and trimmed. Near him stood another acceptable looking young man, probably several years the junior of the other. He wore fairly neat black clothes, a shirt that looked like the sleeves had been torn off, but his auburn looks hung long and low over his shoulder, in a ponytail, brushing against the finely toned muscles of his arm, where a dark blue cloth was tied tight around his bicep.

Alfons shrunk further down into his chair, trying to hide from sight, uncertain about the messy men. They gave him a bad feeling, that much was certain…

He watched, numbly, as a number of the men, now thoroughly intoxicated, stumbled out into the streets. Considering that most seemed to be drunk and paying no attention to him (and the barmaids and waitresses had hidden themselves, it seemed, allowing the men to take their fill as they pleased, hopefully keeping them from causing trouble by doing such) Alfons deciding that this was a decent enough time to try and escape. Pulling himself up, he very slowly moved to the exit of the door, hoping to get out of this town, and to another – and, if his luck held, maybe he'd never have to see another port again? Except that East City was built on a large harbour…

He felt the eyes of the strange man on him for a moment, but this only caused him to increase his pace out the door.

He had, quite successfully, made it to the far edge of town, and thought he was out of the woods, before he heard a female voice scream. Alfons froze, feeling bad about leaving someone who so plainly needed help. Taking a deep breath he turned, knowing he would regret it, later. He hurried in the direction of the scream he had heard. He soon he laid eyes upon a woman, struggling to get away from a blonde boy, who was grinning like a fool. The man stood at his full height (not that high…) his torn, sleeveless white shirt stained with various, unidentifiable substances (Alfons assumed sweat and alcohol were among those.) fell, a loose fit, over his black and red clad hips, the black from the knee length pants, the red from a sash around his waist. His, long, fair blonde hair fell loose over his shoulders, from underneath a red bandana. His eyes glinted with malice and mischief, from a rough, unshaven face, as he grinned sloppily.

Alfons took one last look at the well-muscled blonde before gulping, and shouting – "_Hey!_" – at the man, charging toward the boy. The boy looked up, delayed, just in time to see the taller blonde collide with him, knocking him down, and away from the woman (who ran away, in fear, without a word of thanks).

"_Hey!_" the blonde underneath Alfons groaned, "That wasn' nice…" he slurred, proving the fact that he was intoxicated.

"You were going to hurt her!" Alfons said, pulling himself up and off, jumping back, and trying to find the most effective escape.

The boy snatched at his leg, pulling the unsuspecting boy back down to the ground, and pinning him there, "…Was jus' gonna have…have me some fun!" he grinned wider.

Alfons felt his face flame, even as feeling, in the pit of his stomach, something like a mix of disgust and contempt, began to form, "Get off of me!" he snapped.

"Awww…" the blonde on top of him groaned, but he made no move to, well, move, "I dun' thin' you' ver…ver-reh nice."

Alfons had opened his mouth to speak, when he froze, hearing the voices of many of the men rise up, along with drunken laughter.

"_Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life fo' me! We pillage an' plunder, we rifle an' loot – drink up me 'earties, yo ho!_"

The song was interrupted by a voice, much more sober and refined than the others, "What is that you have there, Edward?" the question was punctuated by the crackle of fire, and Alfons felt himself pale, as the entire situation sunk in.

"Cap'n!" The boy pinning Alfons down, Edward, it seemed, looked over his shoulder at the tall man, with black locks, "I gots a _pet!_" he beamed drunkenly.

"A _pet_?!" Alfons retorted indignantly.

The taller man, the captain, smiled lightly at this, "He doesn't seem to like that, Edward…"

"So?" the smashed blonde blinked, as if wondering how this affected anything.

The captain waved his hand vaguely, "Very well. We can take it with us." He turned his back on the grinning pirate and gaping civilian, "But keep him in line, or we won't be able to afford to keep both of you. One might have to go overboard." The drunk blonde's grin only widened, "Hurry up, men!" he shouted, "We've got all the supplies we can carry!"

All the men laughed, and resumed their song.

"_We kidnap an' ravage, an' don' give a hoot! Drin' up me 'earties, yo ho!…"_

Alfons gulped. Apparently his luck was holding…

He might just never see another port again…


End file.
